When the Holidays Hurt: Understanding and Coping with Holiday Grief

The holidays are often described as “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many people, they can be the hardest. When you’re missing someone you love, even small moments like hearing a favorite song or seeing a familiar ornament can bring a wave of emotion. Holiday grief is real, and it affects countless people every year—yet it’s often left out of the holiday conversation.

This season doesn’t have to be about pretending to be joyful when you’re hurting. It can also be a time to make space for what you’re truly feeling, and to find ways to honor both your loss and your love.

What is holiday grief?

Holiday grief refers to the deep sadness, longing, or emotional pain that surfaces during the holiday season after losing someone or something significant. It can come after the death of a loved one, a breakup, a major life change, or even a sense of disconnection from family traditions that no longer feel the same.

This kind of grief can show up in many ways—through tears, irritability, fatigue, or even emotional numbness. Some people notice it right away, while others feel it sneak up unexpectedly. A person might think they’re doing fine and then suddenly feel overwhelmed in the middle of a gathering or while scrolling through social media full of smiling families.

What makes holiday grief so unique is that it often clashes with the world around you. The season encourages joy, gratitude, and connection, but if you’re grieving, those expectations can make your pain feel even sharper. You might feel out of sync with everyone else, like you’re living in a different season entirely.

What are the three C’s of holiday grief?

When it comes to coping with holiday grief, one helpful guide is the “three C’s”: Choose, Connect, and Create. These ideas can help you find your own rhythm in a season that often feels like it’s been decided for you.

1. Choose what feels right for you

You don’t have to do everything you’ve always done. You get to decide which traditions, gatherings, and rituals feel comforting—and which ones are just too painful this year. That might mean skipping a big party, lighting a candle quietly at home, or saying yes to something entirely new. Grief changes things, and giving yourself permission to choose helps protect your emotional energy.

Try asking yourself: What do I actually want this year? Maybe it’s peace and quiet. Maybe it’s laughter with a few trusted friends. Maybe it’s something in between. Whatever it is, it’s valid.

2. Connect with people who understand

Isolation can make holiday grief heavier. Grief often tricks us into thinking we have to carry it alone, but connection can bring relief, even if just for a few minutes. Reach out to someone who gets it—a friend, a family member, or even an online support group. Sharing memories, or simply saying, “This time of year is hard for me,” can be powerful.

Sometimes, connection looks like being around others without needing to talk about your grief. Other times, it means seeking out people who are also grieving and creating space to remember together. Either way, connection helps remind you that you’re not alone in your pain.

3. Create new meaning

Holidays after loss are rarely the same, but they can still hold meaning. Creating something new—whether that’s a ritual, a donation, or a small act of remembrance—can help you feel a sense of purpose again. You might cook your loved one’s favorite meal, hang a special ornament, write them a letter, or volunteer in their honor.

These acts don’t erase grief, but they can help you build a bridge between your love and your loss, between the past and the present. Creating meaning helps you move from just “getting through” the holidays to living them in a way that reflects both your sadness and your love.

Why is grief so hard at Christmas?

Grief feels particularly intense at Christmas because the season magnifies what’s missing. The lights, music, and traditions all remind us of people and moments we can’t get back. While others are making plans or exchanging gifts, you may feel like the world has moved on when you haven’t. That contrast between your inner world and the outer one can be emotionally exhausting.

Many people also feel pressure to “be cheerful,” which can make holiday grief even more complicated. You might feel guilty for not being in the spirit or worry about dampening others’ joy. But grief and love come from the same place in the heart; it’s okay for them to coexist. Feeling sad doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful—it means you’re human.

Another reason grief can feel stronger during the holidays is that this time of year often marks milestones. It might be the first Christmas without someone you love, or the tenth, but either way, the ache can return. Grief isn’t something that expires; it evolves. And each holiday season brings a new layer of understanding, longing, and sometimes, unexpected moments of peace.

How to care for yourself through holiday grief

While there’s no way to make grief easy, there are ways to soften the edges. Here are a few ideas to support yourself through holiday grief:

• Give yourself permission to feel it all. Sadness, anger, guilt, relief, gratitude—they can all show up, sometimes at once. Try to notice what you feel without judgment.
• Set boundaries early. You can decline invitations, leave early, or make an exit plan if you need one. Taking care of your heart is more important than meeting expectations.
• Honor your loved one in your own way. Whether it’s a small candle or a full family ritual, remembrance keeps your connection alive.
• Practice gentle self-care. Rest, nourish your body, and do small things that bring comfort. It’s okay to prioritize rest over productivity.
• Seek support if you need it. Talking to a therapist or grief counselor can help you navigate the emotional ups and downs of the season.

Finding light again

Holiday grief doesn’t disappear overnight. It might come and go like waves, or linger in unexpected ways. But over time, many people find that the holidays can hold both sorrow and sweetness. The ache doesn’t mean you’re broken; it’s a reflection of love that still lives within you.

There’s no right or wrong way to move through this season. Whether you choose to celebrate, skip traditions, or build new ones, what matters most is giving yourself grace. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting—it means finding ways to carry love forward while still making room for your own peace.

This year, if the holidays hurt, know that you’re not alone. Your grief is valid, your memories matter, and your love endures.